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sthngwrthfightingfor Profile
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Registered: 07-2009
Location: UK
Posts: 118
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Going after what i want, whatever that may be (All trig warnings*)(journal)


I slept better last night even though i had a nap. Woke at 9am with my alarm.

I see my psych this morning which im totally dreading, i wish i never phoned the crisis team and told them about the voices. I dont want this appointment to be all about the voices i just want them to stop and forget about them.
Hopefully hes going to increase the prozac today, i text my CPN last week and told her they werent helping with the binging and she said she would talk to my psych and he said i couldnt increase them and he would see about it at my next appointment, so fingures crossed he will increase them today for me.

My outreach worker is picking me up today and taking me to my appointment and then we are going for a coffee if she has time. Im looking forward to seeing her again she always cheers me up and i can talk to her quite easely.

Anyway i suppose i better get off here and go and get dressed it takes me ages to get dressed because i feel uncomfortable in everything i wear.

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These hands are too shakey to hold
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11/8/09, 8:24 Link to this post   
 
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Registered: 07-2009
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Going after what i want, whatever that may be (All trig warnings*)(journal)


Been to see my psych it went really well apart from i started crying when i was talking about what happened the other night.

Hes increased the prozac and started me back on seroquel again im on 50mg of that aday 10mg of abilify, 40mg of prozac and 1mg of lorazepam, hes slowly taking me off abilify because they arent helping with my moods or my thoughts whereas the seroquel do help with my moods and thoughts.

Having my outreach worker there was helpful too and shes coming to the next appointment which is on the 8th of september. Then i have my meeting on the 22nd of september.

So yeah it went really well. Im a little weary of the seroquel because last time i was on them i gained half a stone and they made me really dizzy but im going to stick with them because i know they help.

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These hands are too shakey to hold
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11/8/09, 11:57 Link to this post   
 
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Going after what i want, whatever that may be (All trig warnings*)(journal)


Finally a decent nights sleep!!!
I took my meds about 10:30pm last night and i was out before 12am and woke at 7am this morning, then i fell back to sleep and woke again at 9:30am and got up, i felt a little refreshed this morning which is the first time ive felt like that in months, i never usually feel refreshed after a good nights sleep. Although i was still tired when i woke this morning but i know thats another side effect.

Took my meds this morning and actually feel good about this time around. They do make me feel a bit dizzy though but i guess that will pass once they get into my system and my body gets used to them.

Im seeing my GP today for my blood results which i had taken about a month ago, when i went down about my hair falling out and the doctor gave me vitamins he told me to come back in 3 days time to get my blood results and im sure he wants more doing to check my thyroid.

Thats all i have planned today, think its going to be another boring day. Im still tired and just want to curl up in bed and sleep.

My brother has gone to see the doctor to see if he can get signed off longer from the RAF im hoping he can its nice having him here and ive gotten so used to him being here it will be a killer when he goes back. So im hoping his appointment goes well for him today.

My other brother is down in the dumbs. He didnt sleep at all yesterday. Hes in bed now though. He hasnt really talked much since hes been here, hes keeping everything to himself really. Its a bit awkward with him being like this.

Anyway im off to find something to do because im bored again and feel urgy today.

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These hands are too shakey to hold
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12/8/09, 11:04 Link to this post   
 
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Going after what i want, whatever that may be (All trig warnings*)(journal)


Went to see my GP what a laugh that was!
First he didnt have a clue about the bloods and then he couldnt find my results and had to phone the lab for them. There were a couple of things that were out of whack but nothing that needs treating atm so thats good.

I didnt have to have more bloods taken today the doctor said leave it a week and if my hair doesnt stop falling out then i have to go back and see the doctor i saw last time and he has to do more bloods.

Its been pretty boring today. Ive felt tired and ratty, i had a nap earlier so ill probably been awake till all hours of the morning. I just felt really sleepy, think its the meds. Im going to take my night ones soon and see if i can sleep as well as i did last night.

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These hands are too shakey to hold
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12/8/09, 21:31 Link to this post   
 
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Going after what i want, whatever that may be (All trig warnings*)(journal)


Thats great about the sleep and it's good that nothing in the bloods was too out. I hope you have a good night's sleep tonight too emoticon xxxx

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13/8/09, 21:46 Link to this post   
 
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Going after what i want, whatever that may be (All trig warnings*)(journal)


Thanks hunni

I slept okish last night, kept waking every hour though which was annoying. Took my night meds and they made me sleepy so it was easy enough to get off to sleep.

My mood has still been up and down though which is what im back on these meds for, but im not getting as many horrible thoughts as i was.

Although i do feel under so much pressure right now, my buzzing highs i had in SK have all caught up with me, catalouge bills ect ..... i owe about 88 pounds to catalogues and they are now threatening legal action. Ive phoned one today and they have accepted 20 pound a month which is good, but the other one havent said what they are going to do yet. Then theres the pressure to be perfect infront of my brothers and not cut when really thats all i want to do right now, i just urge all day to cut, sometimes i can put it off sometimes i cant.

Ive had no weigh gain from my meds *yet* which im pleased about. Although i did binge and purge yesterday for the first time in a couple of weeks. I dont understand why i did that when the prozac have been increased but yeah i still did it but didnt gain from it.

Today ive had 2 crackers and thats all, i think its because ive slept most of the day. I woke at 9am this morning and got up and made a cuppa, then i took my meds about noon and crashed out again about 1:30pm and woke at 3pm, so im probably going to be awake till all hours of the morning now, but im not too bothered tbh ill just watch some movies to keep me busy.

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These hands are too shakey to hold
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14/8/09, 16:27 Link to this post   
 
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Going after what i want, whatever that may be (All trig warnings*)(journal)


Things are still pretty up and down atm.
Im still getting horrible urges to cut my face,legs and arms. Im also getting thoughts of burning with the CS again. Yesterday i was day dreaming about it, its my face i seem to be gunning for atm. I dont understand why these thoughts have decided to rent space in my head but they arent going away.

Slept ok last night and woke at 9am this morning. Didnt get to bed till 1am because i was sat talking to my brother till then, was a lovely chat. When i did eventually go to bed i was shattered so fell straight to sleep and slept the whole night through. Think my meds have a play in this because before i went on them my sleeping pattern wasnt very good but since going on them im sleeping ok, so thats one good thing.

Another good thing is i havent gained *yet* so im pleased about that but im not going to get too excited about that because they are being increased tomorrow and i dont know weather that will make me feel more hungry. Im actually starting to worry myself thinking about it tbh, i really dont want to gain weight from them but without them im a human yoyo of moods.

I cut my leg the other day from my knee to my ankle, i dont know why i just got the urge and impulse to do it and i did it without thinking about it really, i really couldnt help it.

Ive been out with my outreach worker this afternoon we went into town and i bought some new lip bars because mine fell out the other day and ive lost the ball of it so i had to take it out and it was left out for a week (and was a killer to get back in) i kept putting the bar through to keep it open until i could get to town and get some new bars, so today i decided to buy 2 so i have one spare incase i lose the one i have in.

Then we went to teeside park because there was a "Hello Kitty" bedding set i wanted and i wanted the curtains too but the argos in town only had the curtains in so we went to teeside park and i got the bedding set too emoticon its so cool i think. Im such a big kid i love hello kitty and playboy i think they are so cool and have loads of the stuff emoticon

Anyway so yeah today has been busy. I went and paid my catalouge bill so thats one weight off my mind and i just havent stopped all day but thats a good thing because its really helped take my mind off cutting and stuff so im pleased about that.

So yeah things are ticking along x

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These hands are too shakey to hold
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17/8/09, 17:59 Link to this post   
 
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Going after what i want, whatever that may be (All trig warnings*)(journal)


Phew im glad the past few days are over.
Had a rough couple of days. There was loads of trouble with my brothers Dan, Nik and Jay.

Dan is in love with this girl and because Nik went to this lasses mams house while she was there Dan assumed that something was going on with them and went to my dads for a few days. Then all hell broke loose and it ended up in world war 3. Nik was going to leave today and Jay was also going to leave today. But its been sorted out now but Jay is still leaving tomorrow and going to stay with a mate for a few days. I did feel as though Jay was making the situation worse, he was twisting everything that was said. But its all been sorted now and Nik is staying.

My meds have been increased now to 100mg aday and i still havent gained weight *yet* im hoping i dont gain with them because that would make me feel much worse than i already do.

Im still VERY urgy on a morning but ive managed to hold off cutting which is good i guess, i was so tempted to do a hip to ankle cut the other night when everything kicked off but i managed to stop myself partly because it was 4am in the morning when i eventually got to bed and i was shattered.

Today i have no plans. Another boring day, i might just watch movies to keep my mind busy again.

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These hands are too shakey to hold
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19/8/09, 12:04 Link to this post   
 
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Going after what i want, whatever that may be (All trig warnings*)(journal)


what movies have u been watching? its great u managed to hold off on the cutting! well done!!! emoticon!! really sounds like the last few days been awful! im glad its all sorted and everyone is cooling off a bit now. thats good they taking time out for a bit. i hope ur ok. you did really well!!! xxxxxxxxxx

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19/8/09, 22:13 Link to this post   
 
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Going after what i want, whatever that may be (All trig warnings*)(journal)


Things aint going so well right now.
Im drunk and stoned yet again.This is nothing new ive been stoned and drunk all week. I am addicted to cannabis, i couldnt think of what i would do without it. I only started smoking it this week and already im addicted. I also feel as though im pushing it with the booze too. Maybe im relaying on it too much to make me feel good. Idk its all confusing my head is all mushy.

Went out with my outreach worker today. We went to the open day for my art course and i signed up to do health and social care too. So i do art on thursday and H&S on fridays. Its a start i guess and nothing to do with mental health (as my CPN might see it) so im pleased about that. My sister has also joined the art course too so thats good news for me least there will be someone i know there.

Im really looking forward to starting the health and social care course though it sounds like the right course for me i like looking after people emoticon.

After the open day me and my outreach went for a coffee. It was lovely and we had a good chat. The latte i had OMG i could have drank another one it was lovely!!!

My mum is on to me and i dont know what to do. She knows im smoking cannabis. I bought it 3 times and shes on my case saying "dont get too hooked on that you see what its done to jay" this annoys me because if my mum is already on my case i wont be able to buy it no more. And tonight she said "and dont think this is happening you drinking every night" so shes on my case about it and you would think me just being on the drink every night for 1 week would make me feel this addicted to both being stoned, and drunk. Ive gotten used to this *new routine* thats what i see it has anyway.

Im currently stoned and pissed and lovin it! emoticon


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These hands are too shakey to hold
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27/8/09, 22:41 Link to this post   
 


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