rhubarb crumble
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Registered: 01-2010
Posts: 9
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
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Re: …
Hi
Thanks for all your wonderful replies. I'm just using this forum more as an online diary, where I can put all my thoughts to paper when I feel the need. That's why I'm not on it very often, or don't reply to other people's posts. So I understand if you don't want to reply to mine.
Been feeling fairly crap and fed up recently. I've been restricting my calorie intake, which has left me feeling very weak and hungry and obsessing about food. When I wake up in the morning, my body feels fragile, like its been battered around. But I gain some wierd satisfaction from denying my body of food, making sure all the numbers add up and going to the gym.
I just really believe I serve no useful purpose on this horrible earth. Firstly, I'm very ugly. No guys ever bother looking at me, its like I'm invisible. I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend, let alone a husband - can you imagine someone who'd actually find me tolerable enough to marry? So I'll probably live the rest of my life a lonely spinster. I can just imagine myself coming back from work and not having anyone to talk to. Instead, spending day after day sitting in my chair listening to the ticking of the clock and waiting for time to pass until I go to bed. And then repeating it day after day after ****ing day. Something to look forward to.
Secondly, I'm not very intelligent. I really wish I was. I don't know why, but I value intelligence in myself and others very highly. And I never achieve the results I want. I work really hard, and get average results, whilst others don't work hard at all and get A's - they're blessed with inbuilt intelligence. I wish I was like that. Then I wouldn't be at such a crap uni with such crap results and finding the work so impossible and hard. I find it difficult to motivate myself to do the work, because I'm thinking 'what's the point of pouring in hours of time and effort into this coursework/exam if I'm going to do badly in it regarless?' I wish I was at a uni I could be proud of. I come from a family of intelligent uncles, grandfathers and greatgrandmothers, and they all expected me to go to a respectable uni to do a respectable degree, not a 'fluffy subject' as they call it. I've disappointed everyone including myself. I bet I'm going to leave uni with thousands of pounds of debt, and end up in some stupid dead-end job photocopying bits of paper or something equally pointless, earning minimum wage.
Seriousely, what is the point? I might as well just give up now. It's so tempting just to call it a day and press the 'stop' button forever. Would be brilliant. Then the pain and 'me' would stop existing. I wouldn't exist. How brilliant would that be? I'm a waste of space and contribute absolutely zilch to this crap world.
Since starting uni, I've made basically no friends. And it's not for lack of trying. I just find making friends difficult. So I'm now stuck in the same position as I was in sixth form and secondary school. Bored and lonely and hating myself for who I am.
Some of you suggested I see a doctor. I took you up on your advice, and had an appointment with the gp. The first gp prescribed me with 20mg citalopram, and said I might be developing an eating disorder, with depression. He said he'd seen tonnes of students like me go through similar things, and it would be fine. The second time I went for a check up on the meds, I saw another gp and he had a totally different reaction. He looked at me like I was disturbed, and suggested I might possibly have an eating disorder, depression, and a personality disorder. He said I was the most sad (as in depressed) person he'd ever seen, which is quite a statement to make at a university gp practise. And quite hurtful too. He referred me to the local psychiatrist. I don't know which gp to believe. They had completely different reactions to me. I feel both were quite extreme, and the second one really seemed to over-react. I'm worried that I'm actually not that unwell, and he's referred me unnecessarily to the psych. I don't want to waste their time. And I don't think I feel bad enough to need an appointment with a specialist. There are people going through far worse.
Thanks for reading this long, long, rant.
Emma xxx
Last edited by babygirls dreams, 7/2/10, 12:16
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7/2/10, 4:29
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