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rhubarb crumble Profile
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Registered: 01-2010
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Re: …


Hi

Thanks for all your wonderful replies. I'm just using this forum more as an online diary, where I can put all my thoughts to paper when I feel the need. That's why I'm not on it very often, or don't reply to other people's posts. So I understand if you don't want to reply to mine.

Been feeling fairly crap and fed up recently. I've been restricting my calorie intake, which has left me feeling very weak and hungry and obsessing about food. When I wake up in the morning, my body feels fragile, like its been battered around. But I gain some wierd satisfaction from denying my body of food, making sure all the numbers add up and going to the gym.

I just really believe I serve no useful purpose on this horrible earth. Firstly, I'm very ugly. No guys ever bother looking at me, its like I'm invisible. I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend, let alone a husband - can you imagine someone who'd actually find me tolerable enough to marry? So I'll probably live the rest of my life a lonely spinster. I can just imagine myself coming back from work and not having anyone to talk to. Instead, spending day after day sitting in my chair listening to the ticking of the clock and waiting for time to pass until I go to bed. And then repeating it day after day after ****ing day. Something to look forward to.

Secondly, I'm not very intelligent. I really wish I was. I don't know why, but I value intelligence in myself and others very highly. And I never achieve the results I want. I work really hard, and get average results, whilst others don't work hard at all and get A's - they're blessed with inbuilt intelligence. I wish I was like that. Then I wouldn't be at such a crap uni with such crap results and finding the work so impossible and hard. I find it difficult to motivate myself to do the work, because I'm thinking 'what's the point of pouring in hours of time and effort into this coursework/exam if I'm going to do badly in it regarless?' I wish I was at a uni I could be proud of. I come from a family of intelligent uncles, grandfathers and greatgrandmothers, and they all expected me to go to a respectable uni to do a respectable degree, not a 'fluffy subject' as they call it. I've disappointed everyone including myself. I bet I'm going to leave uni with thousands of pounds of debt, and end up in some stupid dead-end job photocopying bits of paper or something equally pointless, earning minimum wage.

Seriousely, what is the point? I might as well just give up now. It's so tempting just to call it a day and press the 'stop' button forever. Would be brilliant. Then the pain and 'me' would stop existing. I wouldn't exist. How brilliant would that be? I'm a waste of space and contribute absolutely zilch to this crap world.

Since starting uni, I've made basically no friends. And it's not for lack of trying. I just find making friends difficult. So I'm now stuck in the same position as I was in sixth form and secondary school. Bored and lonely and hating myself for who I am.

Some of you suggested I see a doctor. I took you up on your advice, and had an appointment with the gp. The first gp prescribed me with 20mg citalopram, and said I might be developing an eating disorder, with depression. He said he'd seen tonnes of students like me go through similar things, and it would be fine. The second time I went for a check up on the meds, I saw another gp and he had a totally different reaction. He looked at me like I was disturbed, and suggested I might possibly have an eating disorder, depression, and a personality disorder. He said I was the most sad (as in depressed) person he'd ever seen, which is quite a statement to make at a university gp practise. And quite hurtful too. He referred me to the local psychiatrist. I don't know which gp to believe. They had completely different reactions to me. I feel both were quite extreme, and the second one really seemed to over-react. I'm worried that I'm actually not that unwell, and he's referred me unnecessarily to the psych. I don't want to waste their time. And I don't think I feel bad enough to need an appointment with a specialist. There are people going through far worse.


Thanks for reading this long, long, rant.

Emma xxx

Last edited by babygirls dreams, 7/2/10, 12:16
7/2/10, 4:29 Link to this post   
 
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Registered: 04-2006
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Hunni, every gp is going to react differently, and sometimes having two different opinions can be a positive. I know its confusing you but its worth going through with seing the psych and listening to both gps as there is more of a chance of you getting the help that you require!!

xxx

Last edited by babygirls dreams, 7/2/10, 12:20


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today is a good day, so tomorrow will be a great day x
7/2/10, 12:15 Link to this post   
 
ScattyCat Profile
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Registered: 12-2005
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
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Gp's do vary greatly but I would be very tempted to take the 2nd one up on his offer of a psychiatrist. I think that would be really helpful to you. From reading your posts and about your behaviours I think you are defiately on the start of an Eating Disorder and most definately you are depressed. Personality Disorder, well, that's a lot trickier to diagnose and I think that should be up to the psychiatrist. The GP shouldnt have made a statement like that so frivilously. With intelligence, what uni are you at and what course are you doing out of interest? Lots of people dont get to uni in the first place so youre definately a step up from them! What is it you want to do when you have graduated? What year are you in? I found uni a very similar experience to how you're finding it but you can come through it. I got a 2:2 which I am very disappointed with but its still a degree. The debt you dont pay off until you start earning over a set amount so try not to worry about that side of things just yet. You are getting ahead of yourself. I think definately that you need to go ahead and see this psychiatrist. In terms of deserving, you definately do deserve treatment and help. Every human being deserves that right. So use it. Rather than thikning years ahead you need to think about the here and now each day one at a time. Please please use the psychiatrist and take your meds as instructed and stick to taking them! This is important!! Btw, as for replying to posts, dont worry about that at all! The whole idea of this site is that people can get support. So dont worry about that side of things at all! Though in terms of regualr posting, that would be helpful for us just so that we can know that you are ok. But if you dont want to post publically regularly then you can always pm me and I can at least let people know that you're here. We do worry about you and we want you to be happy. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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7/2/10, 13:36 Link to this post   
 
Impossible Princess Profile
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Registered: 12-2005
Location: UK
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Re: numb *suicide trig maybe...*


i'm sorry you're feeling this way, i would see into your options. I mean counselling serivces at your uni for example and the suggestions by your gp as well?

Ruth is right, some people don't make it to uni but you did! Don't let people look their nose down at the uni you're at; it's still a place of higher learning and if it was THAT bad then they would have closed down and people wouldn't go there. Where is it you go? What is your course? What is it you're thinking of going into? If you don't believe your course is a 'proper' one do a post grad in something else that you have an interest in emoticon please try and not let what other people think about your course get you down as they may be doing it out of selfish reasons.
Some people are lucky and can just get the good grades; however some people can't and need to work that wee bit harder it's even more difficult when you're not feeling at your best. But you will get there; if the uni didn't think you were capable they would never have accepted you please bare that in mind and don't be scared to ask for help sometimes it can be beneficial to ask other people in your class for help or if you don't want to do it so openly suggest a study group? It can also be a fantastic way to make friends/bonds with your classmates.

The boyfriend thing - it can have a lot to do with the way you appear to others. I apparently used to have a huge sign on my head saying 'keep away or else' even though that was the last thing i wanted. Perhaps you are giving off those sorts of signals? Another thing i used to believe guys never looked at me the thing was i believed i was so horrible that although guys were looking at me i never noticed. Is it possible you're doing this too without realising?
The most important thing is to start feeling comfortable with yourself; i've only recently realised that and trust me it works!
Really though i would suggest focusing on your own well being for now before looking for a relationship.

I hope some of this has helped in some way. Don't worry about replying to other peoples posts but please do keep in contact with us and let us know how you are doing, or as ruth suggests message her or anyone you feel comfortable with here over pm.
take care xxx

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queen of darkness the princess of the house of pain
11/2/10, 3:12 Link to this post   
 


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