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cutiekitten Profile
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Registered: 10-2006
Posts: 2029
Karma: 16 (+16/-0)
Kylies log - Her Battle For Control *trig warnings si/su/ed*


Ok i thought i'd start a journal emoticon

So over the past few weeks ive been getting no sleep durning the night and have been sleeping most of the day .... i got to sleep at 6am today and didnt wake up till 2:40pm, so theres most of my day gone .... not complaining though coz all i did yesterday was binge and sleeping has stopped me from doing that.

Anyway my goal for the rest of the day is not to binge and not to cut although im feeling more and more like i wona do it.
I was sat down stairs and my mum put a emoticon out and i just wanted to put mine out on my arm emoticon

Last edited by cutiekitten, 13/9/07, 20:16


---
***
My heart beat, beats me senselessly
Why has everything got to be so intense with me
****


4/2/07, 16:26 Link to this post   
 
cutiekitten Profile
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Re: Kylies log xxx


Well had a cuppa and whatched a program about these 2 babes that were conjoined it was sad but they got separated and they are both ok apart from one has problems with her legs.

Thinking about going to get my art book and doing some drawings, i dunno how they are gona turn out coz i havent drawn since i came out of the westwood, i used to love drawing but then slowly lost intrest, also i have my poetry book i need to sort out so i might post some later theres one of my faves in there called mirror mirror so i'll deffos post that one, i worte that one the night i nearly died from placing a bag over my head sad really but its a good deep one very powerful to me

Anyway im going to get my stuff before i forget


---
***
My heart beat, beats me senselessly
Why has everything got to be so intense with me
****


4/2/07, 18:46 Link to this post   
 
cutiekitten Profile
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Found my art book and poems just posted one called 'Never with me' i love that one.

While in my room i checked on my little babies (Gerbils) and OMG the mum is pregnant hehe shes massive i dunno how long shes been pregnant so im gona have to keep an eye on her, i cant even change the bedding just incase she has the babies and i but them in the bin (lol) aww bless thing is once shes had them and they are old enough im gona have to take them to the pet shop coz i cant keep them all too many for me to look after, but it will be nice seeing the babies hehe!

Anyway have to have a look for my old journal coz 'mirror mirror' is in that one and im not sure where that is i think its under my bed or somewhere in my room haha!




---
***
My heart beat, beats me senselessly
Why has everything got to be so intense with me
****


4/2/07, 18:47 Link to this post   
 
cutiekitten Profile
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Registered: 10-2006
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Karma: 16 (+16/-0)



Artist: Delta Goodrem
Album: Mistaken Identity
Title: The Last Night On Earth
 

It's the last night on earth
Before the great divide
My hands are shaking time was
Never on our side

There's no such thing
As a beautiful goodbye
As an ordinary day
I prayed for you a thousand times

It's never enough
No matter how many times
I try to tell you this is love

If tomorrow never comes
I want you to know right now that I
I'm gonna love you until the day I die
And if tomorrow falls asleep
Can you hold me first
I'm gonna love you like
It's the last night on earth
Like it's the last night on earth

A penny for your thoughts
A picture so it'll last
That cycle down the roads of immortality
Your fingers on my skin
Only you can hear my fear
Only you can help me heal
I see forever with you here

It's never enough
No matter how many miles stand between us
This is love

If tomorrow never comes
I want you to know right now that I
I'm gonna love you until the day I die
And if tomorrow falls asleep
Can you hold me first
I'm gonna love you like
It's the last night on earth
Like it's the last night on earth

It's never enough, no
It's never enough
It's never enough

The afterglow
And the bright sunlight
The shadows fall
Will you still be mine?
Will you still be mine?
Will you still be mine?
I ask

If tomorrow never comes
I want you to know right now that I
I'm gonna love you until the day I die
(And if tomorrow falls asleep)
'Til the day I die
Can you hold me first
I'm gonna love you like
It's the last night on earth
Like it's the last night on earth
It's the last night on earth
It's never enough


---
***
My heart beat, beats me senselessly
Why has everything got to be so intense with me
****


4/2/07, 18:47 Link to this post   
 
cutiekitten Profile
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Registered: 10-2006
Posts: 2029
Karma: 16 (+16/-0)



Artist: Delta Goodrem
Album: Mistaken Identity
Title: Fragile

Six thoughts at once I can't focus on one
Seven days a week but my life has just begun
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome
As I'm falling down I come undone

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong
Sometimes I feel so frail so small
Sometimes I feel vulnerable
Sometimes I feel a little fragile
A little fragile

In six thousand years what will this mean
Words from the heart or a melody
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome
As I'm falling down I come undone

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong
Sometimes I feel nothing at all
Sometimes I feel vulnerable
Sometimes I feel a little fragile
A little fragile

If people can see right through my eyes
like an open door that I can't disguise
I won't be afraid from the tears I cry
I'll not run I'll not hide this is how I feel inside
A little fragile
A little fragile

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong
Sometimes I feel so frail so small
Sometimes I feel vulnerable
Sometimes I feel a little fragile


---
***
My heart beat, beats me senselessly
Why has everything got to be so intense with me
****


4/2/07, 18:48 Link to this post   
 
cutiekitten Profile
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Registered: 10-2006
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Karma: 16 (+16/-0)



Feeling some what caught up in my emotions and i cant shake them off ... the feeling are all over and making me feel low and im still having the urges to cut cant seem to snap out of it and im scared that if i start to cut i wont stop, i have the same pain in my head thats buliding up the longer i leave it, and when it stays like this its hard not to cut its so screwed up

---
***
My heart beat, beats me senselessly
Why has everything got to be so intense with me
****


4/2/07, 18:50 Link to this post   
 
cutiekitten Profile
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Registered: 10-2006
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Karma: 16 (+16/-0)
Kylies log xxx


Well didnt reach my goal today, just binged on some noodles and 2 slices of bread, but im not pissed coz i didnt reach it im happy, i purged after the last mouthfull and got everything up, i know that because i eat something with coulor first and then that comes up last so im feeling ok.

Im another pound down so im xxxlbs and thats great hehe i think thats why i dont feel like !@#$ for binging coz ive lost even though i ate all that crap yesterday, i was really depressed about that coz i thought i was gona gain loads but turns out ive lost hehe!

Just had a thought if i tell faye im not making another appointment at the doctors for my bloods eileen might take me to her clinic and do them herself, didnt think of that grrrr! ahh well not really bothered my 1st goal weight is xlb away and i should be there tomorro hehe and then my 2nd goal weight is xxlbs and my UGW is xxlbs hehe so im hoping they will pass as fast as this one has, just need to stay in control and motivated and if i do i will get there i know i will

I didnt eat a full packet of noodles only half and gave my lil sis half so wasnt that many calories in them anyway.... ive started to allow myself 1 skinny latte aday there 83cals but sometimes i half them and i havent gained since ive been drinking them so thats ok with me as long as it stays that way first sign that im gaining they stop haha very strict


*edited for weights*

Last edited by ScattyCat, 9/2/07, 20:10


---
***
My heart beat, beats me senselessly
Why has everything got to be so intense with me
****


6/2/07, 15:18 Link to this post   
 
cutiekitten Profile
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Registered: 10-2006
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Karma: 16 (+16/-0)
Kylies log xxx


Well havent had any sleep, and now i cant go to sleep coz im going out today, me and rach are going into town for a cuppa and i need a new coat and a webcam hehe! Dan was suposed to be coming down today but he phoned yesterday and said somet has come up so he cant i didnt get to hear why he couldnt my phone went dead and to be honest i couldnt be arsed listening to his bull !@#$.!

Haha you can tell ive had no sleep lmao cant be arsed today, looking forward to going to town, really want a new coat so i can hide in it and then the shrinks cant tell if im losing coz i wont take it off (f*ck em)!

Was whatching GMTV this morning and they had a man on from the EDA talking about how doctors let people with EDs down and i agree with him they do, and also they had the THIN COMANDMENTS on there haha felt sorry for the lass on there like she was being tube fed and she was telling a reporter about it and the women said that she couldnt understand how people agree with the comandments and the girl said ' its different in the eyes of a person with an eating disorder ' GO GIRL!

Anyway i need to have a bath and about 10 cuppas before i go anywhere haha


---
***
My heart beat, beats me senselessly
Why has everything got to be so intense with me
****


6/2/07, 15:19 Link to this post   
 
cutiekitten Profile
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Registered: 10-2006
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Re: Kylies log xxx


Well i need to go and have a bath now and a cuppa or 100 then get dressed, gona wear my skinny jeans and a nice top with my black boots.

Might see if they have a good cam so i can take some photos of my gerbils and of me looking not so rough haha! and i'll try and post the art work i did last night.

Well catch ya later!



---
***
My heart beat, beats me senselessly
Why has everything got to be so intense with me
****


6/2/07, 15:19 Link to this post   
 
cutiekitten Profile
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Registered: 10-2006
Posts: 2029
Karma: 16 (+16/-0)
Re: Kylies log xxx


Ok yesterday was ok and not ok, went to town got my new coat which i love hehe, got my webcam and some stuff for my skin, went to asda and bought some pot noodles and some low fat super noodles, so if i feel like i need to binge i can just eat those and there easy to purge so thats ok by me.

The bad parts of yesterday were i had no sleep and binged all day which is why i feel so bad today about my fat horrible body, i took some pics last night and i saw my bones hehe which made me feel a little better but i still feel like !@#$ for some reason, so im gona try not to binge today.

Went in my own room last night and fell asleep in there but woke up coz i didnt feel well, so i got up and went really dizzy at the top of the stairs so i dragged myself to my sisters room and climbed into bed and fell back to sleep,and was woken up at 5am by another power cut grrr! Went back to sleep and got up at 9:30am, then had a cuppa and a fag and came back upstairs to find nina ( mother gerbil) had 7 little babies haha so .... that made me smile

Gona get my room sorted today hoover up and dust the shelves and stuff then put some more bedding in the cage for the babies then i dunno what to do after that might whatch another dvd to keep me distracted




---
***
My heart beat, beats me senselessly
Why has everything got to be so intense with me
****


6/2/07, 15:20 Link to this post   
 
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